Dark Soul

A few days ago...

2009-06-04T06:14:30Z

... I turned 28. One more than 27, one less than 29, and one giant fucking blur of a year. I honestly forgot about it until I called back a friend who had called me to wish me the ... 'happy' day it was. Which I spent at work. That I always spend at work. A day I haven't really celebrated in any memorable fashion since I graduated from high school back in 2000. All I know is that I've blinked, and a good portion of my life is gone. I have a few things, here and there, odd memories that seem more like distant dreams that I'm watching on a small, old fuzzy TV. All in all, nothing in my life is real. I really have no grip or sense of reality, and I'm such a distant recluse, that... I spend most of my days when I'm not working, bathed in the light from a computer monitor because I either A) Can't afford to go out, B) The few friends I have are too busy to go out, or C) I don't know and/or have a reason/friends to really go out with.

My life is a sad, poor pathetic thing, and granted it can be much worse off than it is (and that's also part of the reason why I don't update this so often, since most days are much the ones that preceded the rest), it's all I can really do with it right now. I have some minor savings for school, I'm still trying to get my financial aid to qualify for local California community colleges, my job is terrible, and my personal life... I haven't been out on a date since... I think when I moved out here three years ago, in August.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why the hell I'm even out here, what reason I could possibly have for putting myself through the suffering I shove onto my shoulders. I'm no Holden Caulfield. There's no one out here that needs me to keep an eye on them. No reason for me being here at all. I'll concede that two of my three best friends in the world are out here, also trying to eek out a living, and having a better go of it then I am. At least I think they are. My third friend, is three thousand miles away, on the opposite side of the country. I remember her begging me on AIM not to move that we'd never talk, but we both knew that wasn't going to happen. I've known her longer than I've known anyone else outside of my family. I have feelings for her that if I could tap into them, could easily solve the world's problem of a clean renewable energy source.

And yet, I'm still out here. I should be there with her, helping her and her family out, making sure she's being taken care of, reassuring her. But I know in my mind, that if I can't help myself, what good would I be doing for her? How healthy of a person would I be, if I was unable to cope and deal with my already bad situation, and wanted to bring her into it? Granted, I will admit she is the only, singular stabilizing force in my life right now. If not for her I... Probably would have done something incredibly, insanely stupid I don't know how many times over. Then I think about her. And how we talk every day. Then I realize I am doing something good after all.

At least that's what I tell myself. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I wake up, I game. I do my thing at home, goto work. I make... 'coffee', for all the uppity self-entitled fucks who live about 7 miles south of Central Downtown San Jose, at a Starbucks Kiosk in a fucking Safeway. I make $9.25 an hour, jumping through hoops with a smile so utterly fake, it would make a pornstar's orgasm look like one of those first round contestants on American Idol. My emotional enthusiasm, banter, and all around charm are the coagulated, moldy and semi-evolved waste byproduct of the maybe two episodes of Leave it to Beaver that I'd ever seen in my life. And all I remember is that kid was a tool. And not like a power tool. No, just a tool. A 1950's stereotypical tool. I bet in the 60 and 70's he got hashed up every night listening to Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin. Christ, I don't even want to THINK what the 80's did to that kid, who by then would have been what, in his 40's? Whatever.

The only thing I ever wanted in my life was to be happy, have someone to look after, care for. I like to feel needed. As if I was the second half to someone who wanted to keep me locked tight and close, not afraid to show that side of themselves to world. Because I'd feel the same way, keeping my better half close and cared for. I know I'm not Fabio, or even uh... ... Fuck, I dunno any modern celebrities. Hell, the closest I think I get to is Bruce Willis. Just... not nearly as good looking and without that attitude he has. I'm... kinda closer to that guy who plays JD on Scrubs. Only I'm more of a smart ass. And really couldn't care less what my job is for the rest of my life, so long as while I was off and away from that job, life was good, and that I was making the woman I care about happy. I'd enjoy making her laugh, I think. There's not enough of it in the world... Honest Laughter.

So what is it I'm trying to say here? Well if you've read this far, you probably know as well as I do. I'm 28 years old and I'm far from happy. But at least I'm alive, working, and have a roof over my head. I just can't stand feeling so alone anymore, or distanced, or unemotional. I know there's a timebomb in there ready to go off. I simply want someone to snuff out the fuse.

The only thing I can think to say in closing this is... I just wish I knew how to cry. I want to. I can feel it in there. I'm just not sure how to bring it out.

Thanks for reading. IF you did. I won't blame you for skipping.

Going out to someone close....

2008-08-06T03:38:37Z

You know who you are, darlin'. That's all I gotta say.

Spleef

2008-05-31T14:22:17Z

So it's just another year gone by. Whoop. Really. I mean big freaking whoop. Nothing really changed in the last year, which in all fairness is both bogus and sad, though I suppose that the only person who can be blamed for such a situation is myself. It's not like the price of gas in this country is directly impacting my budget at all, just indirectly, through the rising cost of food. Which, suffice to say is quite insane. I get $20 a week to spend on food. And with most items averaging out to about $5 per, it doesn't go very far. That gets me milk, bread, which is $10 right there, and the rest is usually spent on 10 for $10 ramen and pizza. Yes I know, not healthy, but it's food, and I do exercise. I really don't know where I'm going now. I have 30 days to find a new place to live, and... things are not looking good.

.... Hate.

60 days of shit

2008-05-02T20:13:39Z

So.... Where do I start. Christ.

First off: My job in the Deli? Gone right down the shitter with the departure of my old manager. The new manager is a total fuckup. She's ruining the department. We have more customer complaints now, I have smaller and smaller loads in the morning (down to 50 pieces from about 125 on average), more holes on the shelves, and in general, the assistant's ass has become lined with very sharp teeth that grind up everything in her path. So I'm transferring out! To .com! Meaning.... Better hours, more hours, more respect, a better place to work. Score.

Second: I was given my 60 days notice that I have to find a new place to live. Reason? Remodel before sale. I should have seen this coming, honestly, however, with the decrease of hours as of late, I had to dip into my now gone savings to pay bills and make rent this month. As such, I now have no money to find a new place. Hopefully with the transfer, it won't be a problem... I hope not.

Third:

Uhm. I dunno. Seems it's just... one thing after another these days. Anyways.... Later...

Shit Creek? Wait a second....

2008-03-30T02:00:32Z

.... HOLY CRAP THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!

..... Only without all the rednecks and jackasses on TV.

"You better take some star sprinkles!"

2008-03-11T03:19:27Z

A Clockwork Mother

2008-02-28T19:05:50Z

gray_wolf @ 2008-02-09T18:32:00

2008-02-10T02:33:39Z

*ruffles his hair with a groan* Could.... you guys learn LJ cuts for those who don't? Courtesy? I mean i know ya gotta vent somewhere but... c'mon. =/

In other news.... .... well. Let's just say... I'm....

.... empty.

Completely Empty.

Comfortably Numb.

Take your pick.

Eh.

2008-01-04T22:35:39Z

So... apparently the last time I updated this thing with a real post was... July? Apparently?

Type your cut contents here.

Yeah, uhm... Not, a helluva lot to say, really. My job, well... sucks. That's the bottom line. Some of the people are decent but, the job still sucks. I've had one those days that, makes me realize since I moved here in August of 2006, I have accomplished... nothing.

What a stark realization that is. I have accomplished nothing.

This morning generally sucked. Big storm moved in, pouring rain, high wind. Thankfully, my family sent me a rain suit (separate jacket and pants) to wear when I bike to work. Worked really well, I am quite happy with the results. Just the ride in? Totally sucked balls.

Work, was listless. I don't care anymore. There is a lack of any challenge at this place and the customers are wholly bland, two dimensional, and completely uninteresting. Yet I /feigninterest, and somehow have managed to keep looking like a complete jackass in the process.

I nap now during my lunch break. It's an hour, what the fuck else am I gonna do? I only need 15 minutes to eat, hence why I eat on my 10 minute breaks. So I nap. Every work day, right on my lunch hour, head phones on, cover my head with my hood and just zone out completely, dreaming of a world infinitely better than the shit hole I have put myself into.

Keep in mind, I'm awake at 3am just to get to Hell by 4am. So I can put away the load and fix the mistakes the dip shit backstabbing gossip mongering, fight starting, attention whore of an assistant manager has made. And no, I am not joking. I would go so far as to call this woman a Cunt, even. Not a word I use often, if rarely at all, I can assure you.

I was basically killing time today. Upon my arrival and surveying of the list of persons scheduled, I noticed that neither the Manager or Assistant Manager would be showing up. Oh how swell. This means, that not only do I have to put away the load (a seven hour job), but I would also have to process and execute all the managerial daily procedures (five hour job). Suffice to say, when the power cut out at 11am, the order had been mostly put away, the order for tomorrow had been sent in, none of the distress (bad, or out of date product) had been scanned, the frozen order had not been sent, and that is just to name a few items.

The power loss however, was quite enjoyable. It was dark, quiet, and calm. No lights. Nothing. To which I thought, "Oh! Power loss! Cover everything up and we're closed!" At least until the lights came back on. Mmm no. Our new Store Manager (who in my opinion is nothing but a stuffed shirted jackass), decides to KEEP THE STORE OPEN to the public when we HAVE NO LIGHTING ON. NONE. We were to each PURCHASE a flashlight, and escort incoming customers to dry goods only.

.... Purchase a flashlight? Fuck that. If this shit is an emergency, they can fucking hand me one, and say, "We need this back when you leave." And second, what the fuck do we do if someone gets hurt? The phone lines were SOL, we'd have no way to call anyone... oh except for cell phones, but hey! Those weren't fucking working either! So still.. ESCORT CUSTOMERS.

.... Thankfully 1pm had rolled around and it was time for me to leave. The ride home sucked Hardu Gay. High Wind, Rain, and a soundtrack that was right out of Full Metal Jacket, Forest Gump or hell, even Apocalypse Now, was playing (mp3 player. Duh). And with the way some of these jackasses were driving, I... feel lucky to have made it home.

...... So thankfully the apartment has power, the space heaters running, I'm freezing like crazy, my Burger King burger tastes like cardboard...

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CLEAN SOCKS!!!

..... -.-;

2007-11-17T11:16:04Z

So I haven't updated this in a while. I know I don't. Not much reason to, every day's the same old same old and it sucks. It's now about quarter after 3 in the morning. I'm just... well. I feel kinda. Ya know...

Whatever. My own personal hell awaits.... hate my job. Crow's nest that it is....

First.... day of work. English Version.

2007-07-06T05:39:03Z

So. Today was.... my first day of work. I'm tired right now. So... very tired. Mostly from sore feet. When you spend 12 hours on em, well... it takes its toll.

I'm up at 8am. No problem. I hang out, read some news, watch some TV, get food. By 9:45 I start walking to work. I gotta be there by 11. I'm there by 10:50. Just enough time to change into my shoes, stow my shit. I clock in, go into the department (Deli), and it begins.

First off, the people I work with are nice... for the most part. I'm one of three guys in the department. Whatever. I'm also one of the only other people I've met who speaks english as a first language. Kinda made "training" hard, since the lady I was to shadow.... Didn't. At all. I spent time translating for her. Until I got the basics, then the first customer to come up while she was occupied, I was up and gone. Business as usual. No big whoop, no surprises, small learning curve. The slicer was different, but once I figured it out, all was good. The deli case is about a fifth of what I was used to. This is a good thing. The salad case was the same size so no worries. Just about everything is presliced, so it's bag and tag and pass it on, next customer. So there's only one meat slicer, but yeah... not like i did alot of cutting. Wouldn't bother me if I had to. Repetitive tasks come back quick.

So the day goes by, the assistant deli manager compliments me on "how quick i learned everything." Which surprised me. As I figured the hiring manager would have let them know, "Hey this guy has prior experience." Oh well, sometimes it's nice to surprise people. The only difference here, is that Deli also handles the hot foods and sandwiches. Not a big deal, I'd been trained on it, and came back naturally. Had a few spills I had to deal with. Water and yogurt. Standard stuff. Also helped a few customers who I'm positive were secret shoppers with a few things. Nothing serious but inside, my snide, sarcastic, witty self was playing solitaire... Or was it Doom? Yeah I think it was Doom. I kept having flashes of a 2d brown imp getting pummeld by a fist. Goood stuff.

We only get ten minute breaks. Honestly isn't much of a break. Just enough time to potty or get a quick drink. Lunch however... is an HOUR long. Yes, you read that right. An entire. Freaking. Hour. Bliss I tell you. Sweet, lovely bliss. And the store music is GOOD too. Like 60's and 70's rock and soft rock. Literally stuff I enjoy listening too. Golden oldies.

By the second half of the day, everyone's pretty much letting me do my thing. Anyone who's seen me knows how quick I am on the uptake. The Deli Manager, an older russian lady, very nice, well spoken, even if in slightly broken english, but more understandable than most complimented me before she left. "I am surprised quickly you catch on!" "I've... worked in a deli before." "Well you seem right at home. Next week you vill work four am shift."

.... Four.... Am. In the back of my head I'm going, "This is not good. I walk to this fucking job. It's an hour and fifteen minute walk. This can't possibly be safe." It probably won't be. But they're looking into getting it changed. Doubt it's gonna happen though! The Deli Manager left today... FOR TWO WEEKS VACATION!

...... Yay I feel special and they need her okay to adjust the schedule. So. Probably won't happen. I dunno. Either way, it would mean my waking up at 1am, out the door by 2:30am just to be there at 4am. I then get out by 1pm. And would be home by about 2:30, 3pm. Long story short, yeah... I'm gonna need a bike or a car. Or my bike. Which I will get when the money needed to take greyhound is mine. Or if my brother gets it up here, whichever comes first.

Then the day was over... and I walked home. Thankfully, my Creative Muvo MX was loaded with NiN's fifth album, "With Teeth." Good walking music. Despite the fact my feet at this point were screaming. I get home. I crash. I eat a bowel of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, because it's cold. I now sit here.... writing this.

Ladies and gentlemen....... Welcome... to my real world.

..... I'd like to get a refund now please.

Ow. Feet.

2007-06-29T03:27:04Z

So /this is the route/ I walked today.

12 miles. I shoulda only had a two hour walk. Became a four hour walk. So... I was gonna go out and do stuff tomorrow... FUCK IT. I'm staying home. :D

This week in Blogging...

2007-06-11T08:29:45Z

FamilyGuYouTube. Yes I said it.

So. For starters, y'all need to seriously check /this/ out. Seth Green as Brian singing a phenomenal cover of Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. I saw this on TV tonight, Cartoon Network. And this. Totally blew my mind. If there was a single CD of this song, with Seth Green singing it, yeah. I'd buy it. Sounds better than the damn original.

And Lee, this is for you... /What time is it?/ Time for this fad to die. Funny as it is. This shows that... well. Yeah it transcends. Or... something.

Oh and since I've got a net fad going then I direct your attention to /this/ little tidbit. Personally, it makes me giggle. Ding...

So uh. Otherwise. Yeah.

That's it. Uhm. /Say "Hi" to Adam West!/

... I'm done.

Yo Lee!

2007-05-28T00:30:37Z

http://www.rackmountpro.com/productpage.php?prodid=2899

That's probably something like you were looking for. I know it's something I will probably be getting once the money's there.

And yes, it will work.

New Icon...

2007-05-26T23:29:12Z

Courtesy of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex.

Oh Batou. You are too much!

Honestly though, the way he says hi in this scene makes me crack up everytime.

Made in Macromedia Fireworks MX using a Compaq V6000 laptop, touchpad. Completed in about 2 hours using Media Player Classic to rip screen images (Which i found out last night it could do which is AWESOME).

Blah blah blah blah

Anyways. Uhm...

Yeah. Enjoy.

Some good news...

2007-05-21T08:45:43Z

So... After a weekend of discovery and learning (honestly, I made some stupid mistakes that cost me a day, but it was worth it), I have discovered my laptop... is a pure Vista machine. No way to back work the OS to XP pro or XP Pro 64. So I'm stuck with Vista. However, on a stupid hunch after restoring the OS for the fourth time since it didn't take the previous three times, I ran the Windows Update, THEN the HP Update. Turns out it downloaded a video driver, from nVidia for the onboard graphics card. So I did some tweaking for max performance, did a few other modifications and started up a game I had tried previously, and it failed to run. Not the case. It loaded. And ran better than it did on my freakin' desktop. Granted everything was set to minimum (same as on my desktop) and it tended to have some extra lag when loading (probably due to the only 512mb of memory on the laptop opposed to the 1gb on the desktop) but once loaded, it was smooth!

So... I'm happy. Not freakin' ecstatic, but happy. I will have to find a way to retrieve the data off my desktop's IDE hard drives. I'm looking into standalone bay options at the moment. See if i can find a decent multibay for cheap or something.

In any case... Life goes on. Also, for the record, my mom sorta creeps me out. Especially when i call her up and the first words out of her mouth are, "Hi Matt! My boss was arrested for having relations with a 13 year old boy!" "........ Great mom. Just... what I wanted to hear." "Well I thought you'd want to know." ... Not really mom.

So right now... I've got my laptop copying over the music I had on here originally from my room mates laptop. He let me borrow it to get my laptop back to working order, and I used his for storage space. I'm not going without SOME of my music. I'd go insane. Thankfully, there's 20 gigs of it on his hard drive, and it'll transfer over tonight. Should only take... fuck, 10 hours? Meh. Wireless. Ah well.

Also, a few of you need to get in touch with me. Especially YOU, Annie. You're startin' to scare me! E-mail me dammit! Cryptic is not constructive, m'kay? :(

On that note, it's time for me to get some sleep. I've had a long and... hellish day. But for the record.... Man am I glad to be in San Jose! Fuckin' Ey! *Queues theme music*

SON OF A....!!!!

2007-05-19T17:57:30Z

So. Last night. My desktop. Fucking. Died.

I spent an hour, took it completely apart, checked everything, and reassembled it, and still no POST test, no POST beep code, and no VGA Data to the monitor.

.... I just remembered during this I have that motherboard diagnostics device. Either way, I feel quite... glad. Kind of. Recently my old laptop died, and I purchased a new one. Windows Vista Basic. FUCKING HEADACHE. So Windows XP Pro 64 Bit edition it is. So now... I've only got my laptop. I want to get this up and going 100% before I start worrying about my desktop again.

Seven years. Seven years I've had that desktop, and it's never given me any major or minor hardware problems. So last night, I'm gaming and it locks up, I hit reset and nothing.

*Sighs* ... I just spent $700 on this laptop. And now I'll need to upgrade the desktop. I'm obviously going to run more tests, but hopefully the only thing I'll need is a new mainboard, memory and processor. I think all the other parts are workable.

It's not the "end of life as I know it"... Just a serious kick in the nads! :D

Beeeeeeeeeep

2007-04-30T06:50:02Z

The following is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System...

This is only a test.

In the event of this having been an actual emergency...

You would have heard gunshots followed by screams of terror,

Which in turn would give way to a man screaming,

"Fuck fuck fuck!! We're all bloody fucked!! Do you hear me!? We're bloody well fucked!!!"

Which would have been succeeded by several other noises associated with gross violence,

And then looking out your window you would note acts of rape, murder and other such nastiness.

However, this is not the case.

Simply cover your eyes, deny your true surroundings and go back to the pitiful existence you consider a life.

Everything is fine. Everything is under control.

Everything is as it should be.

Comply and forget. Comply and forget.

*Beeeeeep........*

Oh and PS: Go see Hot Fuzz. You'll be glad you did. Trust me on that.

Attention! Attention!

2007-04-07T17:59:56Z

"We're looking for the chick with big boo... *BZZZKTTTSHHHH!*"

Uhm. Wrong audio feed.

I should be back online by monday... I hope.

... No it's not easy on me either. WITHDRAWL!! OH MY GOD THE WITHDRAWL!!

..... *deep breathes* ... I'm okay... I'm okay... "... No you're not." STOP TALKING INSIDE MY HEAD.

Okay, seriously though. I'll talk to y'all later. :P

A Brief Moment in Time...

2007-03-26T08:10:03Z

The following is a self inflection, a brief look into myself at this stage and overall just my take on life. The title I pulled out of my ass, and the lyrics well... I just like the song. As always, I appreciates comments. Thanks.

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way"

A long term goal, slowly approached one day at a time, day by day, taking each challenge as it comes. Some days have been quite exiting, others have been pretty dull. And yet the people out here... cease to amaze me.

The other day, for example. I'm sitting here... at home, watching a movie with my headphones on and then the dogs started barking. Naturally, I took my headphones off, told em to shutup. And they did. But I heard what sounded like someone yelling. So I went to the door and looked and it was a yell for help. Pushing the dogs back, I hit the lock on the door and bolted out. Turns out the lady across the street was walking her dogs and her neighbors pit bull got loose and was attacking her big shaggy dog, Harry... who'se... quite hairy. Well I manage to pull the pit bull off hold and pin it down. My tshirt and arm were covered in slobber and blood. No one else on the block even bothered to run out. The.... mexican family next door just stood on their drive way and looked on as did most everyone else. The lady across the street called to thank me, she wanted to repay me, but I told her I did what anyone else should have done, so no payment was necessary, thanks was enough. Chaotic good complex, I spose. Suffice to say, the police came and went. Short of that, I've no real idea what happened past that. I did my part, I did it well, and most of all, it made me feel damn good to know I was in the right place at the right time.

"Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

The weather is beautiful out here, but it belies a dark interior to this place. Everything here has to sides, two different faces, and it's... so... frustrating. For example, the state of California requires all vehicles to pass an emissions check, and not a safety inspection! So you could have a vehicle with no brakes, but as long as it passes emissions, California considers it roadworthy! Yet... I think about everything that's happened and the events of the past few months and can't help but think I've missed out.

August of 2006... What a month. I am given the option to "quit" before I'm fired from my job at Tops Markets, I piss off my parents, loose my van, move to california, get the shock of my life, etc etc. I just... Wow. Honestly. It was. Definetly new. My mom payed for my plane ticket out here. One way. I flew out of Rochester to Newark to Atlanta, originally direct to Oakland, but instead due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to stay overnight in Atlanta, and catch a flight to Houston then onto Oakland. Those two days I remember... Very strongly. I dunno if I will ever forget them, and honestly. I want to. Walking into that house for the first time... seeing the state it was in. I had been told of the situation before hand but that couldn't prepare me for the state of the house. It was horrible. Had I truly grasped the state it was in, I would never have come out here. However, I am out here now. And I have got to try and make something of it. I tripped here. I've tripped big time, so now I have to play catch up.

"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death"

I still have no job. I've been working with a friend who does irrigation and landscaping work, and have recently started working with Lee's Uncle who owns a Machine shop, and I basically help making parts by swapping pieces in and out of an automatic lathe type machine. It's not the most fun work but it's easy, simple, and it pays. Getting work out here is difficult, especially when one doesn't have a college degree. I have many many years of practical PC use experience, just no certifications. As far as entry level work, most places won't look at me. They look at the immigrant labor. Oh who am I kidding. I'm competing with every mexican north of the border for these jobs. I keep thinking I should keep my journal PC so as not to offend anyone, but then I have to remember, I really shouldn't care. People will be offended if they want to be offended. The rest of you, take my words with a grain of salt. Anyways. Yes, basically for minimum wage work I have to compete with the mexicans. And to make things worse, most of the people in charge of hiring for these positions... are mexicans. So. Yeah. I'm basically fucked. Oh and without a car, most temp agencies won't touch me. There are days I honestly feel like I'm gasping for air here, days I don't want to get out of bed, days I wish that She was here so I could hold her close, bury my face into her shoulder and cry. She's so far away and I love her so damn much. Yet I remind myself that She probably has the same feelings some days. I know she does. I just have to keep going, keep on pushing and hope I can make her proud.

"Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"

I had plans, hopes, dreams, desires for when I got out here. I had the train built, checked, double checked and planned. It derailed after the first month. I wanted to deny it, but deep down I knew it had failed, as had the backup. November is when the realization finally came and changes were made. Now I'm essentially clinging to what little I have left. I'm too god damned ashamed to ask my parents for help or money, and worry that... I might actually wind up on the street. I have few, few contigency plans that would hopefully prevent that scenario from coming true. But... I'm not sure. I used to have answers and direction before I came out here. I cannot find them now. The path I once had is blurred, yet I see the finish line and She's there. I just have no idea how to walk it. I honestly consider some days of taking what money I have, and shipping myself and my stuff back east, to Her and just... carving out a tiny existence there. I don't care to aspire to such great heights in my life, and I never cared to be anyone of super importance to society as a whole. I just want to be happy. I want to have someone in my life I can make happy. I don't ask for much.

"Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells."

As it stands... I do not know where I belong, or where I am going. I simply know that I will wind up where I want to be when it's time for me to be there. I suppose in so many ways, yes, I qualify as an atheist or agnostic. I don't subscribe to any religion, and yet for some odd reason I guess I have faith in the universe. Not so much a God or Diety, but the Universal Makeup. Faith in the Then, Now, and What Will Be. It's like being lost on a brilliant sea of shimmering black with all the glittering lights to distract you in your journey. It's honestly pretty crazy but there are times it makes for an interesting ride. I also think about self perception alot these days. I probably should sit down sometime and write that whole paper I've had in my head out... Perception of Self through the Self and only the Self. An odd title but... It's just a nagging feeling, a realization if you will that is better explained later. My sisters 18th birthday was saturday. I called and wished her a good one, and I'm going to send her an e-mail in a day or so with a few pics, which I will more than likely share on here. It's gotten me to think about home though... I miss the old days, yet I have to let go. Just so many things I have to let go of... I wish I could just... say a word and they would all go away...

Fin

Lyrics from "Time" by Pink Floyd

PS: Also... For those of you who I used to speak to regularly, and hardly see you online anymore, PLEASE. E-mail me. The address should be on my userinfo page. Some of you I miss talking to. You should KNOW who you are. :P

gray_wolf @ 2006-12-25T10:15:00

2006-12-25T18:15:40Z

...... Merry fucking Christmas to all,
and to all a shut the hell up!!!!

..... I'm tryin' to fucking sleep here.....

I live in a...

2006-11-05T04:44:58Z

Mad World...

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Enlarge your world

Mad World

What does everyone want more of, but can not find?

2006-10-22T07:14:08Z

Time

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

By Pink Floyd, from Dark Side of the Moon.

Feel it people. Srsly.

This is what happens...

2006-10-19T01:44:09Z

... When I get bored.

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1301776

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1303624

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1303624

http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1303765

Warning. This isn't safe. For anyone. Especially me. :D

So...

2006-10-18T20:42:09Z

Sarah got a new job. This job is way better than her old one. She got a job at a bank! Hurray!