Gray Wolf

... I turned 28.  One more than 27, one less than 29, and one giant fucking blur of a year.  I honestly forgot about it until I called back a friend who had called me to wish me the ... 'happy' day it was.  Which I spent at work. That I always spend at work.  A day I haven't really celebrated in any memorable fashion since I graduated from high school back in 2000.  All I know is that I've blinked, and a good portion of my life is gone.  I have a few things, here and there, odd memories that seem more like distant dreams that I'm watching on a small, old fuzzy TV.  All in all, nothing in my life is real.  I really have no grip or sense of reality, and I'm such a distant recluse, that... I spend most of my days when I'm not working, bathed in the light from a computer monitor because I either A) Can't afford to go out, B) The few friends I have are too busy to go out, or C) I don't know and/or have a reason/friends to really go out with.

My life is a sad, poor pathetic thing, and granted it can be much worse off than it is (and that's also part of the reason why I don't update this so often, since most days are much the ones that preceded the rest), it's all I can really do with it right now.  I have some minor savings for school, I'm still trying to get my financial aid to qualify for local California community colleges, my job is terrible, and my personal life... I haven't been out on a date since...  I think when I moved out here three years ago, in August.

I've spent a lot of time wondering why the hell I'm even out here, what reason I could possibly have for putting myself through the suffering I shove onto my shoulders.  I'm no Holden Caulfield.  There's no one out here that needs me to keep an eye on them.  No reason for me being here at all. I'll concede that two of my three best friends in the world are out here, also trying to eek out a living, and having a better go of it then I am. At least I think they are.  My third friend, is three thousand miles away, on the opposite side of the country.  I remember her begging me on AIM not to move that we'd never talk, but we both knew that wasn't going to happen.  I've known her longer than I've known anyone else outside of my family.  I have feelings for her that if I could tap into them, could easily solve the world's problem of a clean renewable energy source.

And yet, I'm still out here.  I should be there with her, helping her and her family out, making sure she's being taken care of, reassuring her.  But I know in my mind, that if I can't help myself, what good would I be doing for her?  How healthy of a person would I be, if I was unable to cope and deal with my already bad situation, and wanted to bring her into it? Granted, I will admit she is the only, singular stabilizing force in my life right now. If not for her I... Probably would have done something incredibly, insanely stupid I don't know how many times over.  Then I think about her.  And how we talk every day.  Then I realize I am doing something good after all.

At least that's what I tell myself.  I don't know.  I don't know anything anymore.  I wake up, I game. I do my thing at home, goto work.  I make... 'coffee', for all the uppity self-entitled fucks who live about 7 miles south of Central Downtown San Jose, at a Starbucks Kiosk in a fucking Safeway.  I make $9.25 an hour, jumping through hoops with a smile so utterly fake, it would make a pornstar's orgasm look like one of those first round contestants on American Idol.  My emotional enthusiasm, banter, and all around charm are the coagulated, moldy and semi-evolved waste byproduct of the maybe two episodes of Leave it to Beaver that I'd ever seen in my life. And all I remember is that kid was a tool.  And not like a power tool.  No, just a tool.  A 1950's stereotypical tool. I bet in the 60 and 70's he got hashed up every night listening to Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin.  Christ, I don't even want to THINK what the 80's did to that kid, who by then would have been what, in his 40's?  Whatever.

The only thing I ever wanted in my life was to be happy, have someone to look after, care for.  I like to feel needed.  As if I was the second half to someone who wanted to keep me locked tight and close, not afraid to show that side of themselves to world.  Because I'd feel the same way, keeping my better half close and cared for.  I know I'm not Fabio, or even uh... ... Fuck, I dunno any modern celebrities. Hell, the closest I think I get to is Bruce Willis. Just... not nearly as good looking and without that attitude he has.  I'm... kinda closer to that guy who plays JD on Scrubs.  Only I'm more of a smart ass.  And really couldn't care less what my job is for the rest of my life, so long as while I was off and away from that job, life was good, and that I was making the woman I care about happy.  I'd enjoy making her laugh, I think.  There's not enough of it in the world... Honest Laughter.

So what is it I'm trying to say here?  Well if you've read this far, you probably know as well as I do.  I'm 28 years old and I'm far from happy.  But at least I'm alive, working, and have a roof over my head.  I just can't stand feeling so alone anymore, or distanced, or unemotional.  I know there's a timebomb in there ready to go off. I simply want someone to snuff out the fuse.

The only thing I can think to say in closing this is... I just wish I knew how to cry.  I want to.  I can feel it in there.  I'm just not sure how to bring it out.

Thanks for reading. IF you did. I won't blame you for skipping.

You know who you are, darlin'. That's all I gotta say.

So it's just another year gone by. Whoop. Really. I mean big freaking whoop. Nothing really changed in the last year, which in all fairness is both bogus and sad, though I suppose that the only person who can be blamed for such a situation is myself. It's not like the price of gas in this country is directly impacting my budget at all, just indirectly, through the rising cost of food. Which, suffice to say is quite insane. I get $20 a week to spend on food. And with most items averaging out to about $5 per, it doesn't go very far. That gets me milk, bread, which is $10 right there, and the rest is usually spent on 10 for $10 ramen and pizza. Yes I know, not healthy, but it's food, and I do exercise. I really don't know where I'm going now. I have 30 days to find a new place to live, and... things are not looking good.

.... Hate.

So.... Where do I start. Christ.

First off: My job in the Deli? Gone right down the shitter with the departure of my old manager. The new manager is a total fuckup. She's ruining the department. We have more customer complaints now, I have smaller and smaller loads in the morning (down to 50 pieces from about 125 on average), more holes on the shelves, and in general, the assistant's ass has become lined with very sharp teeth that grind up everything in her path. So I'm transferring out! To .com! Meaning.... Better hours, more hours, more respect, a better place to work. Score.

Second: I was given my 60 days notice that I have to find a new place to live. Reason? Remodel before sale. I should have seen this coming, honestly, however, with the decrease of hours as of late, I had to dip into my now gone savings to pay bills and make rent this month. As such, I now have no money to find a new place. Hopefully with the transfer, it won't be a problem... I hope not.

Third:

Uhm. I dunno. Seems it's just... one thing after another these days. Anyways.... Later...

.... HOLY CRAP THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!

..... Only without all the rednecks and jackasses on TV.

*ruffles his hair with a groan* Could.... you guys learn LJ cuts for those who don't? Courtesy? I mean i know ya gotta vent somewhere but... c'mon. =/


In other news.... .... well. Let's just say... I'm....

.... empty.

Completely Empty.

Comfortably Numb.

Take your pick.     

So... apparently the last time I updated this thing with a real post was... July? Apparently?

( Read more... )
AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CLEAN SOCKS!!!

So I haven't updated this in a while.  I know I don't. Not much reason to, every day's the same old same old and it sucks.  It's now about quarter after 3 in the morning.  I'm just... well.  I feel kinda. Ya know...

Whatever.  My own personal hell awaits.... hate my job. Crow's nest that it is....

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So. Today was.... my first day of work. I'm tired right now. So... very tired. Mostly from sore feet. When you spend 12 hours on em, well... it takes its toll.

( LJ Cut for you who don't care to read... )

Ladies and gentlemen....... Welcome... to my real world.

..... I'd like to get a refund now please.

So /this is the route/ I walked today.

12 miles. I shoulda only had a two hour walk. Became a four hour walk. So... I was gonna go out and do stuff tomorrow... FUCK IT. I'm staying home. :D

FamilyGuYouTube. Yes I said it.

So. For starters, y'all need to seriously check /this/ out. Seth Green as Brian singing a phenomenal cover of Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. I saw this on TV tonight, Cartoon Network. And this. Totally blew my mind. If there was a single CD of this song, with Seth Green singing it, yeah. I'd buy it. Sounds better than the damn original.

And Lee, this is for you... /What time is it?/ Time for this fad to die. Funny as it is. This shows that... well. Yeah it transcends. Or... something.

Oh and since I've got a net fad going then I direct your attention to /this/ little tidbit. Personally, it makes me giggle. Ding...

So uh. Otherwise. Yeah.

That's it. Uhm. /Say "Hi" to Adam West!/

... I'm done.

http://www.rackmountpro.com/productpage.php?prodid=2899

That's probably something like you were looking for.  I know it's something I will probably be getting once the money's there.

And yes, it will work.

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Courtesy of Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex.

Oh Batou. You are too much!

Honestly though, the way he says hi in this scene makes me crack up everytime.


Made in Macromedia Fireworks MX using a Compaq V6000 laptop, touchpad. Completed in about 2 hours using Media Player Classic to rip screen images (Which i found out last night it could do which is AWESOME).

Blah blah blah blah


Anyways. Uhm...

Yeah. Enjoy.

So... After a weekend of discovery and learning (honestly, I made some stupid mistakes that cost me a day, but it was worth it), I have discovered my laptop... is a pure Vista machine.  No way to back work the OS to XP pro or XP Pro 64.  So I'm stuck with Vista.  However, on a stupid hunch after restoring the OS for the fourth time since it didn't take the previous three times, I ran the Windows Update, THEN the HP Update.  Turns out it downloaded a video driver, from nVidia for the onboard graphics card.  So I did some tweaking for max performance, did a few other modifications and started up a game I had tried previously, and it failed to run.  Not the case. It loaded. And ran better than it did on my freakin' desktop.  Granted everything was set to minimum (same as on my desktop) and it tended to have some extra lag when loading (probably due to the only 512mb of memory on the laptop opposed to the 1gb on the desktop) but once loaded, it was smooth!

So... I'm happy. Not freakin' ecstatic, but happy.  I will have to find a way to retrieve the data off my desktop's IDE hard drives.  I'm looking into standalone bay options at the moment. See if i can find a decent multibay for cheap or something.

In any case... Life goes on.  Also, for the record, my mom sorta creeps me out.  Especially when i call her up and the first words out of her mouth are, "Hi Matt! My boss was arrested for having relations with a 13 year old boy!" "........ Great mom. Just... what I wanted to hear."  "Well I thought you'd want to know."  ... Not really mom.

So right now... I've got my laptop copying over the music I had on here originally from my room mates laptop. He let me borrow it to get my laptop back to working order, and I used his for storage space.  I'm not going without SOME of my music. I'd go insane.  Thankfully, there's 20 gigs of it on his hard drive, and it'll transfer over tonight.  Should only take... fuck, 10 hours? Meh. Wireless.  Ah well.

Also, a few of you need to get in touch with me.  Especially YOU, Annie.  You're startin' to scare me! E-mail me dammit! Cryptic is not constructive, m'kay? :(

On that note, it's time for me to get some sleep.  I've had a long and... hellish day.  But for the record.... Man am I glad to be in San Jose! Fuckin' Ey! *Queues theme music*

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So. Last night. My desktop. Fucking. Died.

I spent an hour, took it completely apart, checked everything, and reassembled it, and still no POST test, no POST beep code, and no VGA Data to the monitor.

.... I just remembered during this I have that motherboard diagnostics device. Either way, I feel quite... glad. Kind of. Recently my old laptop died, and I purchased a new one. Windows Vista Basic. FUCKING HEADACHE. So Windows XP Pro 64 Bit edition it is. So now... I've only got my laptop. I want to get this up and going 100% before I start worrying about my desktop again.

Seven years. Seven years I've had that desktop, and it's never given me any major or minor hardware problems. So last night, I'm gaming and it locks up, I hit reset and nothing.

*Sighs* ... I just spent $700 on this laptop. And now I'll need to upgrade the desktop. I'm obviously going to run more tests, but hopefully the only thing I'll need is a new mainboard, memory and processor. I think all the other parts are workable.

It's not the "end of life as I know it"... Just a serious kick in the nads! :D

Oh and PS: Go see Hot Fuzz. You'll be glad you did. Trust me on that.

"We're looking for the chick with big boo... *BZZZKTTTSHHHH!*"

Uhm. Wrong audio feed.

I should be back online by monday... I hope.


... No it's not easy on me either. WITHDRAWL!! OH MY GOD THE WITHDRAWL!!

..... *deep breathes* ... I'm okay... I'm okay... "... No you're not." STOP TALKING INSIDE MY HEAD.



Okay, seriously though. I'll talk to y'all later. :P

The following is a self inflection, a brief look into myself at this stage and overall just my take on life. The title I pulled out of my ass, and the lyrics well... I just like the song. As always, I appreciates comments. Thanks.

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way"

( Part I )

"Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

( Part II )

"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death"

( Part III )

"Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"

( Part IV )

"Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells."

( Part V )

Fin

Lyrics from "Time" by Pink Floyd

PS: Also... For those of you who I used to speak to regularly, and hardly see you online anymore, PLEASE. E-mail me. The address should be on my userinfo page. Some of you I miss talking to. You should KNOW who you are. :P